Every night he lay with me
In the morning he would always be
I would hug him close and he’d keep me safe
He was like a cloud on a warm summers day
Soft and comforting when I was sad
Many years have passed, he has always been there
My cherished friend, my dearest memory and my sweet escape
From reality

So today I was coming home from school and I stopped at a crosswalk becuase there was a car there. He had his window down and said, "you can go, you're a pedestrian". First of all, I know I'm a pedestrian, and second, I didn't want to be hit so I was making sure he stopped... stupid man

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Well, Saturday was my 19th Birthday, I am a birthday scrooge normally, I can't remember the last time I had a good one, well now I can, this birthday was awesome. I guess because I was able to be relatively carefree, that hasn't happened for a while, last year I had a philosophy midterm on my birthday and then I worried about it the rest of the day. In any case, this birthday was awesome.

On Friday K and Em were supposed to come down but then K couldn't and then K got hurt and Em couldn't, long story summarized in several short words. I was going to go back home so I could see K, but well... Em and I didn't know where she was, so I remained in Waterloo. Our neighbours, Ty and Derek, decided that we (Leanne, Heather and I) should all do Absinthe together, so we went to the LCBO and grabbed a $90 bottle... that stuff is expensive! It is 70% alcohol and it tastes absolutely nasty! I wouldn't say I was drunk, but I was definitely a little tipsy. I had 3 shots of it... so gross. Then we came back to the house and watched the second half of It. I didn't actually find it that scary, I don't know what people are talking about. All in all it was a pretty good night, I wish that Em and K had been there though, they would have had a good time.

On Saturday it was my birthday! :D I didn't really do much in the morning except relax... oh relaxation how I love thee! I had a drama meeting mid day so I went to that, and then met up with Leanne and Heather for some dinner at MacDonnell Village. Then I went and picked up CARMEN! (YAY!) She came down for my birthday, it was great seeing her! We joined up with some of my friends from res last year as well as my neighbours and we went to Louies... one of our local clubs. It was a lot of fun, we danced until they closed... and I was smashed. Great night, great birthday!

On Sunday I tried to recover in the morning, drove Carmen to the train station... and then Mike was supposed to be there around 4:00... of course being the punctual person that he is he got there around 5:00. We walked over to Morty's... a bar.

This post has been quite this and then this and then this... so that sucks and I'm going to finish.

I was reading the star today, loved the quote that I found: "I asked him [Bill Clinton] if he had anything in common with George Bush," said Kerry. "He said 'In eight days and 12 hours, we will both be former presidents,'" Kerry recounted, smiling broadly, to a chorus of laughter and applause.

When I was in grade 6 a new girl named Dee joined my class mid year. Dee had a vibrant personality, she was funny, and so charismatic. Everyone wanted to be her friend, but for some reason, she chose me. We were super close, the three of us, Elizabeth, Dee and I, would always hang out together, and if it wasn't the three of us then it was two of the three at all times. Grade 6 suddenly began to shine, there was a little hope beyond the grey clouds. Dee brought energy to my life, she taught me to have fun just being in grade 6. We would play in toy stores, because we could, and ride our bikes. It was, nice. Things changed, the summer changed us. Elizabeth went camping, and Dee had to spend time with her real Dad in another city. By the time grade 7 started we were casual friends, and by the time grade 8 rolled around, we were mere acquaintances. So, I don't know why it hit me so hard the day her Mom tried to kill herself. I suppose it just hit so close to home. This was the woman who would bake us cookies and always had a smile on her face. At Halloween she always dressed up and Dee's stepdad would drag their piano onto the front lawn and play creepy music as they put on their show. While I always knew that Dee missed having a relatinship with her disfunctional father, she was always so happy, her parents were always so happy. I suppose I was naive, believing what I saw on the outside. Her Mom, S was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumour days before she decided to end her life. She didn't tell anyone, but took matters into her own hands. I never understood that. Why would someone who loved their family so much be so selfish? But is that selfish in itself? She didn't want Dee and her husband to suffer as they watched her slowly die. Unfortunately, when she hung herself, it wasn't successful. They rushed her to the Emergency room, where she lay braindead and kept alive by a machine for a week before the decision was laid on the table, did they want to pull the plug? Out of respect, Dee's stepdad gave her the choice, who does that to a 13 year old child! Dee made the right choice, her mother was suffering, and this was exactly what she didn't want her family to witness. The school got our entire grade grief councelling. I don't know why it hit me so hard, I wasn't friends with Dee anymore, and I hadn't seen her Mom in two years. I still think about Dee, she had to move for high school and I never saw her again. I heard she dropped out of school and moved in with some guy. I'm not sure what this post was supposed to "do" but I had been thinking about S for a while and needed somewhere to write about her, and about Dee.

I have been giving a lot of thought to weight recently, especially since I spent my weekend eating nothing but JUNK. To any person gaining weight is something they notice and something that uspets them to some degree. It doesn't matter if you are overweight or underweight, if you are planning on staying at a stable number it's hard to realize that you have gone above. If a person goes from 97 to 110lbs, or from 140 to 153lbs, both people have gained 13lbs, which to most is substantial increase. When someone who is overweight says, "if they think they need to lose weight then they must think I'm huge." But that isn't how it works, in a situation such as that weight is a personal item, it has more to do with the individual's prefeences with their own body then what they find attractive/appropriate for another person. I mean, weight is a social factor, it is a direct contribution from the media and what society deams as "normal". It's that way for everyone, so don't assume someone is thinking negatively of you because they feel negatively about themself.

Forbidden
by Todd Fulton

Forbidden pleasures
Who makes the rules
Unfound treasures
And beautiful jewels

Can that line be crossed
What could we truly be
And at what cost
Do you see what I see
I know there is more there
Waiting to be found
Can you feel how much I care
I feel like I'm being drowned
If you knew the amount of desire
That I feel for you

Forbidden pleasures
Who makes the rules
Unfound treasures
And beautiful jewels

I don't really know why this talks to me but it really does. It is just so exactly what my relationship is like right now. Especially in light of my conversation with him last night.... short as it was it still helped with the completeness of my night.

I guess technically my weekend began on Thursday afternoon, but because I am the nicest neighbour in the world (:-p) I hung out in Waterloo until late at night so I could pick Jeff up from U of Guelph so I got home around 11pm. Not much excitement there, although I did get to sing a FANTASTIC rendition of "Jammin'"!

On Friday I spent a couple hours working then headed to the hospital for a while. It really drains me when I spend time there, it's so hard to keep an optimistic attitude for my Grandpa when all he can do is just lay there and breathe. Anyways, after the hospital I was planning on just relaxing, maybe studying for my Anthro midterm (maybe not). BUT, Cassy called and came to hang out here for a little while, then K called and said she was at Dave's so to come on by... it made me happy! We basically just relaxed there, we did make a McDonald's run on K's request however, I missed that kid!! I still do :(.

(I realize my writing sucks right now I'm sorry)

Saturday, yesterday, I got my hair done, I like it a lot! I hated my dark brown/red hair, I hate red hair and missed my light browny/blonde hair!! So it's all fixed now, AND I got it cut, which I have been told by many (in particular someone who's opinion mattered) that it looks hot/good. I actually didn't go to the hospital on Saturday, which I did feel bad about but to be perfectly honest, just couldn't deal with. Em stopped by for a bit, I stopped by Mike's place, it was a long afternoon to say the least. At night.... it was Cassy, Pete, Sean, Em, Ryan, Tom, Jaime, Mike, and Cam. It was great fun, we chilled here for a bit, and then headed over to East Sides for food and well.. a lot of laughing. After, we headed back to EM's house, I missed everyone a lot I realized, just being around one another reminded me so much of the summer and of the past. We have all changed so much, but apparently, for the best. It was so natural, so comfortable. And then Em and I played fooseball... and lost. Everything. But I guess everyone would see my naked butt soon enough anyways right? It was fun though, I mean, most girls, not mentioning any names, would have chickened out at the first layer, considering what we got down to I think we did a good job. Mike told me he was proud of me lol. At around 3:00 things began to get a bit more... fun. We gathered around on the floor... it was Ryan, then Em, then Cam, then Mike, then me, then Sean, then Pete, and Cassy was passed out on the couch... and we started to play "I have never..." It got to be interesting, especially considering some of the stuff we know about other people... *couDITCHgh* lol. Then, in all our grade 3 glory, we played spin the bottle... oh yes, spin the bottle! It was kind of lame, and kind of funny at the same time. It was good though. Pete drove Cass home, Em and Sean made food, and Cam, Mike and I had to think of another game... we failed. So we just kind of talked and reminisced and then at 5:30 (?) Pete, Sean and Cam went home and it was bedtime for Em, Mike and I. Finally we got to do what we had planned, it was nice, definitely needed for our relationship. I thankfully woke up at 7:00 and called my Mom to kind of let her know where I was/ask when we were leaving for the hospital, then crashed for another couple hours and got picked up at 11:40. Mike was still sleeping when I left... baby lol.

Sunday, today, I went to the hospital for the majority of the day, then came home, showered (aka changed into CLEAN clothes as opposed to what I had been wearing the night before) and headed to my Aunt's place for dinner. It was Thanksgiving I guess, it was nice, but there was no turkey and my Aunt can't cook... but at least I got to see my girls. Sarah is so adorable, she started to crawl yesterday, and Hannah is as always, annoyingly cute. I was showing Mike the zoo pictures last night and he kept telling Cam how cute Hannah was, not that I disagree, I'm just glad that I'm not the only one. Anyways, my cousin Brian was there with his 6 month old, Anastasia (yes 2 weeks younger than Sarah, making her a very young Aunt). My cousin, Melissa, has now officially joined her cousin and crossed over to the dark side of things, and even brought a freaky friend. It made the night all the more enjoyable... or interesting I suppose. I smell like baby, I love that smell. I love that when she cries people hand her off to me. I love that feeling of unquestionable love. Okay, enough about my 6 month old!! *lol* (But Mike, you now have a date with TWO little girls in a couple years for a trip to the zoo... let's hope Hannah is more of a walker by then!)

I guess that's it. I am staying in tonight and spending time with my Mom, since she is at the hospital all the time and I never get to see her. And then tomorrow... as sad as it sounds, probably going to study for my midterm on Tuesday. Great weekend.

how when you really need to hear those certain words from that certain person they never cease to disappoint? I have this secret relationship with someone, it makes me nervous when we are around other people because I'm afraid they will figure it out. When we are alone I just lay in his arms and the rest of the world disappears as he strokes my hair and keeps me warm. I wish I knew what was going on between us, I wish we didn't have to keep it a secret, but there are people and situations that get in the way of our telling the truth. Eventually the secret will come out, everyone will know what's going on between us, but will that ruin the thrill? Until the day our secret is expelled, I will just bask in our endless conversations and the comfort I receive from his strong arms.

Well, I'm not actually a real Aunt, but instead an honourary one! My friend Leanne had baby Caden 5 months ago and to me he is a precious angel!!! I have posted some pictures of him before, from right after he was born, but figured you could all use a little baby update. I know Sarah is only a month older and I don't post pictures of her but that's for a couple reasons. 1) I don't have many because 2) I get to see her all the time. Caden lives in Australia with his Mommy and Daddy and not me :(. I already promised Leanne I would be there before his 5th birthday, but in the meantime I must live vicariously through online pictures, you can all share... HE IS SO CUTE JUST LOOK AT THOSE EYES!!

How can anyone say "No" to this face!?
Ashley

Okay, instead of reading we had Ty and Asif and Moe and we drank and now I am intoxicated but not a lot. I drank Whisky, and let me tell you, it's not the most pleasant of stuff. It smells like urine and tastes like disinfectant. I can't spell right now and I just replied to an e-mail Mike sent me at 12:00 tonight and I don't know what I said... oops. Anyone know?

I have decided that all of my posts recently have been very depressing and sad, I know that I am upset right now but that doesn't mean I haven't' been enjoying elements of my life.

Yesterday I had two HORRIBLY LONG Arts Council meetings, the first was just for the student reps, with the Dean of Arts, and the second one was with all the student reps and a selection of the teachers plus of course the Dean of Arts. While I am excited about being on the Students' Arts Council those two meetings were NOT interesting. I think once it's not just going over what has already been decided it will be a lot better. Last night I went to a party. To be honest, I was supposed to be with Mike in Oakville but decided not to drive down when I realized I had another commitment. I told Rob, his answer was priceless, "that's a long way to go for a booty call" (keep in mind his intoxication level) at which point I patiently tried to explain to him the actual scenario... I don't know that he understood lol. Oh well. The first party we went to kind of sucked, we knew NOBODY and only went because Ty and Derek wanted a little Playboy Mansion (yeah that's what our house has been nicknamed) accompaniment. After that Heather, Ansa (her friend from home) and I walked from the party IN KITCHENER and went to a BIGGER and BETTER party by campus. There were probably about 150 people there, and eventually the cops did show up to break the party up. It was great fun until it ended though, then Heather, Ansa and I walked to MacDonnell to grab some food before heading home, Heather had a little accident with dropping her food... but it was okay because I couldn't' finish mine anyways lol.

As I was saying, I had a previous commitment that stopped me from going to see Mike, well, that was today. I did my very first Habitat for Humanity small build! It was absolutely awesome. I love that exhilarating feeling of community involvement. It was raining, and cold, and yet, all these people were banning together to build a house for people they probably didn't even know! It was absolutely awesome, I had a great day. It really helped to lift my spirits, reminded me that there isn't all bad in the world and some people ACTUALLY DO care! I have spent the rest of the day/evening with Ty and Derek and now I am reading (well I'm not since I am typing this). I am going home tomorrow to spend the day at the hospital, I'm sure my currently good mood will be smashed down by tomorrow night.