It's 3 o'clock in the morning and I feel as if I want to tell you all my deepest secrets....

If only life could be that simple.

So I have indirectly posted about my Thanksgiving long weekend but I have not gone into detail about how incredibly awesome it was. I think it was so great because everyone came home after being away for a while and we knew that it would be a while until we saw each other again. Actually, we might not even see Pete for ages because he is supposed to be going home for Christmas break... home is in England.

Anyways, on Thursday night I got in kind of late and just vegged in front of the TV, I mean it was ER night afterall and I don't like to miss ER. On Friday I had to work, that sucked, however I made it a point to go in late (because I could) which kind of bit me in the ass because everyone went home early and I had to stay until I finished my work. It was nice to be alone though, much easier to get things done without the phone ringing or constantly having to answer questions (I have been going in every Friday to train someone as well as help out with the work load).

So I had planned on hanging out with Brenda and Meghann on Friday night but they both had other plans so I was kind of all by myself when the boys called. Well actually, Sean called. I ended up at the Niblick (a local bar) with Sean, Pete, Dave and Tom drinking pitchers of beer until 2:00am. It was fantastic!

Saturday was spent with Meghann who is still feeling the breakup blues from last weekend. We walked around downtown Oakville, visited Chapters, and then we sat by the lake with Hayley drinking hot drinks.

I did visit my Grandpa that night as well as on the Monday, it's kind of difficult not seeing him as often as I did in the summer. After that and dinner, my Mom and Dad drove me over to Dave's house so that I could go out with all my friends drinking at another bar. We left after the devestating Leafs game, and had so many laughs it was fantastic. You can look at the photos online of you want: Thanksgiving Weekend.

I love spending time with my friends, quite honestly that's what this weekend was more about than spending time with my family. Which sounds horrible because it should have been about family, but we didn't really have a big family dinner so it was different this year.

We did eat turkey and stuffing and pie... oh my! On Sunday. But it was different because there were no loud conversations or little children screaming, it just didn't feel right.

On Monday I didn't have to work since it was a holiday, but did get to spend some time with Brenda and my Grandpa (as I said above) before heading back to school.

It's good to be back, but I keep having people tell me that I'm too busy. I guess I AM busy but I don't think I'm TOO busy, I just have a very scheduled and well planned lifestyle which allows me to do everything that I want to do (and some stuff that I don't want to do).

I actually am about to do one of those crappy things right now and work on my Statistics Assignment... woohoo!

Wish me luck, and I'll probably post on Saturday after I go skydiving again :)

Labels: Pictures

It was a cold winter day as we walked down by the lake at two o'clock in the morning. We could hear the waves crashing against the rocks as warning of an impending storm, and I pulled myself further into my coat to block the freezing breeze. We had decided to meet down there at that particular time so that we could be alone, and with the exception of the geese, which were floating silently, we were. This conversation had been a long time coming, and it wasn't one that I was looking forward to having.

As we walked there were long periods of silence, filled with bits of small talk. I had not wanted to come, he had wanted this meeting, so he would have to do the talking if things were going to move anywhere. With only the light of the moon reflecting off the water and illuminating our path, the night was peaceful and yet the tension made me feel unsettled.

He told me that he still loved me and hadn't stopped loving me since the day that we met. You would think that this news would make me happy, but instead it brought tears to my eyes as I realized that I didn't know what I wanted anymore. In nearly the same sentence as he told me that he still loved me, he said that he didn't believe in being in love anymore, he had become jaded.

At first I was shocked, I didn't understand how someone could not believe in being in love, but only knew what love was in a third person kind of way. I tried to explain to him that just because he hadn't found it yet didn't mean that it didn't exist. He scoffed at me as if the concept was unheard of.

After the shock had passed and I had failed at trying to convince him that he needed to keep looking I became slightly offended as I wondered why I wasn't good enough for him. He told me that I was the closest he had come to true love, but that our sordid past had just become too much to build on now. Sometimes I suppose you just can't go 'home'

As we walked back to our cars I felt settled and yet completely disturbed, even though I knew that he still loved me, it was easier to believe that those feelings were gone. There was just no way we would be together anytime soon, and we both knew that. We got into our cars and left in opposite directions. And as the car began to warm up and I drove towards the future I had accepted, I began to wonder if maybe we were both wrong.

Today was the first Thanksgiving dinner that we have had without you, however, it isn't the first celebration that you haven't been able to attend. This year is a little bit different, since your passing Dad hasn't felt obligated to have family over so we celebrated alone. It was strange.

Today I didn't miss you, not in a sad way. I find that I am able to laugh about you and remember happy memories instead of being lost without you.

Today was a good day, I thought it might be bad but it was good.

Today I came to no realizations and felt nothing profound, but Grandma, I love you, not loved, love.

Love, Ashley

Labels: Death, Holidays

Well I'm definitely awake and way too busy for my own good. I love it though :). So this past weekend I got bribed into going home to work. On Friday, after my LISPOP meeting and SOS Input training I drove home to work at the office for a couple of hours. All this because my Dad got me tickets for Saturday's LEAFS vs Red Wings game.

After work I was just sitting around, as I usually do after being bribed to work, and decided to call Brenda whom I had not talked to for nearly two years. It was, oddly, not awkward. We ended up going out for drinks and chatting, which was nice because we had so much to catch up on, I guess I missed her and she missed me too, it's hard losing a best friend due to distance. I had this really yummy purple drink, I don't remember what it was called, but it tasted like a purple freezie! YUM!

Saturday was the day I had been looking forward to for well... only about 24 hours. The morning started out shaky as Meghann sat in my computer room sobbing because her and Ian had broken up the night before. They had been together for 2 years so the fact that she was upset was understandable. There is one thing about Meghann though, and it's her strength, I know she'll be okay. After Meghann left Brenda was finally awake so we went for coffee, actually she had a Pumpkin Latte and I had something frozen. Neither of us had much time, she was going sailing with her Dad and said that next summer I'm coming out with them.

When it was finally time to go to the game, I threw on my Toronto Maple Leafs jersey and headed to the train station. The highway into Toronto was shut for the weekend but it wasn't a big deal, or so I thought, because I was planning on taking the train anyways. So I got to the station in Oakville and the line to buy tickets was out the door and into the parking lot, VERY STRANGE! I didn't even park my car and drove as fast as I could to the next station in Mississauga where the same thing happened. However, I waited in line just in case and when the train passed over me I knew not only was I screwed but that I had to find another way into the city. My Dad suggested taking Lakeshore, which we both knew would be backed up busy but it was the only option. As I started to drive that direction I remembered the subway started at Kipling in Etobicoke and decided it was the best way to go. Unfortunately by the time I got ON the subway I should have been getting off the GO train in Toronto and meeting Tom, so I was kind of nervous that he would give up and leave by the time I was there. The subway ride took 35 minutes and 1 transfer but I made it before game time and Tom was waiting for me at Union station. I was so stressed out by the time I got there that I really just needed to relax.

All other photos are available here: Leafs vs Red Wings Photos

We walked into the Air Canada Centre and the buzz coming from the crowd was amazing. We found our seats and sat in anticipation getting excited at the smallest things, including the jumbo-tron and the people cleaning the ice. By the time the Leafs came on the ice we were on the edge of our seats and by the time the puck dropped we were in Heaven. This was the last time the Leafs would play the Red Wings as they aren't paired up during the regular season so it was good to see something so rare. The game was amazing, and I don't think I could have picked a better person to go with. We drank Canadian beer and sang along to "The Hockey Song".

What was really cool was because it was a pre-season game (although it was the last one before the season began) there were practice shoot outs at the end of the game regardless of the score which didn't account for anything. Unfortunately they lost the shoot outs, but they won the game 4-1 so that was all that mattered to me. After the game was over Tom rode back with me to my car just so nothing would happen then we parted ways. I was going to spend the night in TO but didn't really feel that great leaving my car at the Kipling subway station, it would have been okay at a GO train station but that didn't work out obviously.

When I got home I was bouncing off the walls with excitement, which made my Dad happy, but to be honest, I don't think I want to watch the rest of the season on TV because it was just too good seeing it live!! Just kidding, I'll still watch them on TV but it won't be as good :)

Sunday was spent helping my Mom cook/bake. She made me some muffins (Oatmeal Chocolate Chip and Double Chocolate Chunk) for my Habitat for Humanity bake sale and then made me homemade macaroni and cheese to take back to school with me.

Speaking of the bake sale, it was Tuesday and was a SMASHING hit! We made just under $400 and had so much turnout from club members. We had so much food, which was great, and not great at the same time and while it was stressful for me being there all day, it was still fun.

Last night was my first Big Bunches group outing, I'm not going to say much, but it was a lot of fun and I'm really glad I'm involved with this :)

I wrote an article for the school paper which you can view here: Choosing the Right Birth Control for You

Okay so that is it for me, I'm heading home tonight for my Thanksgiving long weekend, where hopefully I'll get to see all my friends :)

Have a great weekend everyone!

Something that I really wanted to post about was Jason's Rally for Respect held last Thursday. I think that it went over really well but was shocked by the people who were not interested. Maybe it's because I'm a woman but the idea of other women being disrespected mortifies me. I sometimes wonder if people don't make the connections, your mother, your sister, your aunt they are all women, would you want them to be insulted and disrespected on a regular basis?

As I helped Jason to hand out these white squares with a big red R (for respect) on them I was somewhat disappointed that a few girls said they didn't want one, it made me wonder if they respected themselves. There was one guy who looked at me and said "Hell No" he didn't want one. And while that really offended and shocked me, I'm glad he was honest.

People look at me and assume I am angry about this because I'm some feminist. The thing is, I'm not. I have never taken a Women's Studies course I have never participated in Women's Group Activities, but I have been cat called and have had obscenities yelled at me when I'm walking across campus. I'm angry because I shouldn't have to defend myself, physically or figuratively with language. I shouldn't worry that the cluster of guys standing in the parking lot after my night class will try something, and you know what, I refuse to be afraid. I have come to know that they are going to harass me verbally, but I shouldn't accept it.

Hopefully this rally will make some of that end. I'm sick and tired of having to pretend not to hear those guys, I just wish they would think before they yelled out that they want to "fuck me".

For any young guys reading this, especially Laurier ones, please remember before the next time you cat call a woman.

PS. I'M GOING TO THE TORONTO MAPLE LEAFS vs DETROIT RED WINGS GAME TONIGHT!!