Have you ever felt like no matter what the outcome will be you want to know how bad a situation really is? I have, and this weekend instead of sitting in the dark I took it upon myself to find out the truth. The truth tore me apart and stomped on my soul, and now I wish I had never found out. Funny how that happens. I don't want to share, that makes it real. I'm scared, and I feel all alone, but I don't want to let people in because of what that might mean. It's funny because I can't hold on, but I don't want to let go.

This weekend, was not a good one, but it had good elements, mostly because I have friends who care about me and who I love. And even those who didn't know the situation or even that there was a situation knew I needed a hug and were there for me.

On Friday, after being with Mike, I spent the night at Em's place. I called her in tears and she was there within minutes keeping my mind off what it wanted to be on and making me smile. We drank wine and read old e-mails from old friends and boy friends then went to bed at 5:30am after gossiping about love and life. I can't say I slept all that great, but it was nice knowing that she was there next to me and that I wasn't alone. We had pancakes for breakfast and when I left her house and stepped back into the real world where the sun shone down and warmed the air around me I knew that I would have to face life eventually.

After leaving her house, I went to my already scheduled hair appointment where I told Jean that I was sick of the "same old" that I always get and wanted a change. She talked me into bangs and I agreed to short hair.

Here is the after picture from a couple of weeks ago when I dyed my hair:

And now....



I think that I like it, in fact, I think that I love it.

















On Saturday night, the skiing was cancelled since the snow had melted due to our beautiful 10 degree weather (not that I'm complaining) and I was able to hang out with the slew of friends that just happened to make it home for the weekend. Em and I walked down to Mike's house at around 7:00pm and watched the game with two of his "cousins" and eventually Yoav and Tom. They ate pizza and when Dave and Cassy showed up we had cake and ice cream. Then made up our indecisive minds and decided on a pool hall as our night time entertainment. I sucked, I knew that I would because I always suck at pool. It was fun when I was being entertained, otherwise I just thought and thinking is bad when you're upset. I got hugs from boys who knew that I needed them, and then they told me that my hair looked great as I smiled a little bit because it made me feel good.

There is a silver lining in every cloud, I just haven't found it yet so for right now I'm going to cry a little and feel incredibly alone. Not because nobody is there but because this is something I need to decide myself and nobody is going to be able to do it for me. In the mean time, I'm going to accept all the hugs that I am given and watch episodes of ER until I fall asleep each night.

Labels: Emily, Friends, Hockey, Mike, Pictures

I'm home for the weekend, and I must admit I was not and am not looking forward to it. After my Christmas went by without much joy and cheer I don't like coming home, I don't want to be here and I find the trip brings guilt and anger. However, despite this fact I came home due to peer pressure. You see, my roommates decided to go home this weekend and I didn't want to be home alone. It turns out after all plans were made that one of them is actually staying in Waterloo, but I'd already promised my Mom that I was coming home and unfortunately said that I would work today, so here I am. I drove back at around midnight last night, after a Yoga class (which PS. is a lot harder than it looks even though I'm flexible, the hard part is the "hold it and find your center" wtf is that?!) and watching [a re-run of] ER. On the way home I stopped in Guelph at Heather's residence to give her a CD of pictures and some Advil because she was having a bad day. I gave her a hug and we danced around in the cold together trying to stay warm. The drive back to Oakville was okay, the highway was empty and I had a lot of time to think (about nothing). When I got home there were things that I realized I'd missed. Home has certain qualities that you just can't get away from loving. Such as:
- The smell. Home just has this smell to it and you can't re-create that anywhere you go.
- The pile of mail on the dining room table for me. It makes me feel loved, I get no mail at school except the phone bill (not that I get more than a credit card bill and the occasional government cheque at home).
- My bed. My bed at school is awesome and comfortable, but so is my bed at home... I can't choose which I like better.
- Walking around a place that you know better than anywhere else (and a place that is always clean). Knowing which stairs creak and how to softly shut the front door so nobody knows someone has gone in or out.
- The knowledge that if you needed help, someone would be there for you. Even when it is 2am.
And I am sure other stuff that I just can't think of. Home has these qualities and even when the trip is laced with guilt and anger they still exist. However, one little trait that I don't particularly like about my home is the fact that the fridge is ALWAYS empty! I mean, there is some stuff in it, but not a lot. All my parents seem to eat is salad (for lunch) with chicken on top, chicken (for dinner) and green beans or broccoli. Oh well.

I tried to plan my weekend so I won't be sitting on my butt doing nothing for very long. Today I work. I didn't come in until 10 (oops) and plan on leaving at 4:30 so I can go visit my Grandpa. Currently our fax/photocopier/printer is down and we are waiting for the service guy to come so I am sitting here pretending to work knowing full well that I can't do anything without that damn machine. I swear, I use enough paper per day worked to eliminate entire forests (and yes, I do feel bad). Tonight, after getting back from my Grandpa's, Mike is coming over and we are going to do something. I don't know what and I don't really care. As long as I don't have to come with that something then I'm a happy camper. This way I can sit on my butt and do something, not nothing.

Tomorrow I guess I have nothing planned during the day. I wanted to ask my Mom if she had plans or something, but haven't yet. Oh well, I'll do something I'm sure. Tomorrow night I'm teaching one of my roommates to ski, assuming we still have snow. She is heading to Whistler in February for reading week and well... needs to know how to ski first. It's a long story, but hopefully she will be all star by the time she gets on that hill. I haven't beginner skied since I was 2 years old, I am not sure I remember how to do snowplow turns, but I'm sure I'll figure it out. Otherwise, I'll teach her to ski slalom lol.

**Main goal for the weekend: Find the van Gogh prints purchased in Amsterdam and put them in frames. (I am hoping to accomplish this goal despite the fact that I was home for nearly 3 weeks at Christmas with the same goal and after looking at the surfaces of my bedroom stopped looking. But maybe in 2 days I'll get some initiative --or not).**

Everyone stop by Savannah's site and wish her and her family well. The new liver is in place and things seem to be flowing, but the next few days/weeks will be the hardest.

Labels: Home

For anyone who doesn't already know, Savannah is currently in surgery getting a second liver. Anyone who is religious or just believes in the innocence of children, please pray/hope/wish/want this little girl to make it through with no complications and no painful recovery.

Seriously. I'm guessing that a squirrel left it there.

**UPDATED: Here is the link for the pictures from this weekend. My roommates had my camera so they are almost all of them. The pictures that I am in are from someone else's camera... ignore the 'fat shots'**

I have kind of sucked with the updating. I know that I have, but hopefully now that this past weekend is over I'll have time to relax (at least a little bit). So, as Inanna pointed out in my comments, the whale died. It was very sad and as much hope as I was holding out for it's survival I think I knew what would end up happening. In any case, it's a horrible thing to have happened, and I wish the whale could have been alright.

This weekend was full of charity events for Habitat for Humanity. Danielle and I planned and organized both of them, and they were, overall successful. On Saturday night we held Rock the House at our on campus pub. There were 5 student bands/solo acts and we had amazing raffle prizes (including a Gibson guitar, and gift certificates for various local restaurants... plus more of course). We made just over $700 and everyone seemed to be having a great time.

On Sunday we held another spaghetti dinner, this time for a much larger group (around 120 people) at another local church. Before we headed over there, Danielle and I made rice krispy squares for the dinner, twelve pans of them to be exact. Some with chocolate on top, some with sprinkles on top and some just plain. The dinner went pretty well, all 120 people showed up at the same time I think, but that was alright. We made just under $900 which isn't as much as last week but we expected that since this church had never participated in this type of event before.

Overall the weekend was successful when it comes to raising money. Danielle and I don't know yet if we have enough for the trip, but we will find out sometime this week and hopefully be in the clear.

Yesterday a new Prime Minister was voted into power. I have to say, it didn't make my day very happy. We are now run by a Conservative Minority, and Stephen Harper is the Prime Minister of Canada... gotta say, not the greatest moment in Canadian politics. I was going to write a summary of each political party before the election as I did last time, but I obviously didn't. Just ran out of time, and patience... stupid election. I'm bitter.

Whale Spotted in Thames

This weekend was fabulous. But I have two charity events coming up this weekend which I am organizing and running so I am super busy and unable to actually sit here for more than 5 minutes. Find below pictures of my fabulous weekend...
<-Before||After->
On Friday we had intended to stay in and relax, so Heather and I (our old roommate who loves us enough to visit for whole weekends) dyed our hair. It isn't as dark as I had wanted it, but I think it looks alright.

The staying in for the night failed and we ended up deciding to go out at around midnight. We drank like mad (because we only had a couple of hours) and left the bar tipsy and laughing. It was a lot of random unplanned fun :-p
More pictures can be found: Here

On Saturday we were supposed to go into St Jacobs shopping, but it was cold and windy so we ate pancakes, read and watched TV. Very enthralling. I had to go out and shop for the impending Spaghetti dinner the next day, a fundraiser for Habitat for Humanity. That didn't take long and when I got back we had a nice dinner and drank out of martini glasses. It was very classy. We went to the Fox and the Fiddle, which happens to be right by our house and had a fabulous time. We took too many photos, seriously, but if you want to look at them the link is here.

On Sunday, we wanted to get breakfast at a restaurant (we were all out of eggs, milk and bread) so we bundled up for the fridgid weather and embarked on our journey. The first place we got to, Angi's diner, we busy... with a line out the door and no apparent movement. The second and third place were closed, the fourth was also busy and the fifth was successful! It took about one hour of walking in the cold, we did a huge loop past our house and off in the opposite direction but it was worth it. Yum... After breakfast we walked quickly back to our house and I jumped in the shower to wash the smell of beer and bar off of me, then got in the car and headed to campus to pick up some of our volunteers for the Spaghetti Dinner at a local church. The event was a smashing success with only "customers" and over $1,200 made in donations! We have another spaghetti dinner on Sunday, and a bar night planned for Saturday (the two upcoming fundraising) so hopefully we will raise even more money.

After I got back from the dinner, Heather was still with us, and we watched Desperate Housewives and GREY'S ANATOMY! Then I drove her back to Guelph and upon returning home, collapsed in bed exhausted but happy.

I hope everyone else had as fabulous a weekend as I did, this upcoming weekend is hopefully going to be as great. So far the week is going pretty well, I got to catch up with a friend for a few hours on Monday night, and today I'm going to pick up the needed supplies for the bar night. Happy Wednesday!

**UPDATED: I should have put this in before... it's National De-Lurker Week... so leave a comment if you stop by. I know how many people come by here on a daily basis but don't comment, so let me know who you are :)**

Everyone has little things about them that, while not entirely humiliating are not exactly normal to everyone. I myself am host to many of these idiosyncrasies and for lack of better ideas I thought I'd share some of them with you. Hopefully you will be able to see yourself in some of them (which would make me less of a freak).

1) I like to have lots of milk in my cereal but I don't like to drink milk, so at the end I'm left with a bowl of off white coloured warm milk which gets poured down the drain.

2) I have mild OCD which causes me to do the following:
a. My agenda is colour coded: orange highlighter=clubs/activities; yellow=tests/assignments; blue=school meetings; pink=personal; and green=big sisters
b. If my notes (for class) are messy, I will re-write them when I get home.
c. Up until this year, not only did I re-write my notes but I typed them up on the computer.
d. All of the files on my computer are organized, then cross referenced.
e. All of my CDs, books and DVDs are alphabetized (everyone does this though... right?)

3) I pick my cuticles when I am stressed and bite my lip when I am nervous.

4) I have seen season one and two of Grey's Anatomy more than three times.

5) I use a ton of sugar in my tea. It tastes best that way.

6) I used to always make eye contact when talking with people, now I try to avoid it at all costs unless I trust the person. I believe you can read a person's soul through their eyes and I don't want that information going to just anyone. Only one person has ever caught on in the middle of a fight and made me look them in the eyes. Things were better within minutes. But I can't give that power to everyone.

7) Despite my OCD my room is never spotless and my desk always has at least one glass/can/plate/fork/spoon on it.

8) I can't sleep without a heavy blanket because when I was little, my brother told me the blanket would stop the crazy man who lived in the hall closet from stabbing me to death. I slept under the covers (head included) until I was 8.

9) I correct people's grammar (in my head) regardless of who they are.

I think that's all I can handle for now... but there are more, oh boy are there ever. These weren't even the really strange ones, just the ones I could remember. Do YOU have any idiosyncrasies to share?

Well, I've been slacking on posting this one, because I've been sick and lazy which aren't excuses. The ski trip was great, we had a ton of fun and I'm sure the stories I could tell are endless but I will have to censor some things for personal reasons and just give you the coles notes version.

It was Mike, Yoav and Maarten (someone I had never met) heading the 7.5 hours to the Eastern Townships in Southern Quebec (right above Vermont) for a couple days of skiing on their many area mountains. The ride down was smooth, no traffic, no weather problems, just getting to know one another in the car and laughing about this and that. At our first stop, where we got gas and food we ran into someone that I went to high school with, which was very strange since I hadn't seen her for three years. Mike knew her too and used to have a little crush on her I believe *lol* so it was nice to do a little catching up. Ironically she had been planning on going to Tremblant same as us, but decided to go to Mt St Anne instead because of the strike. We were going to hit up Mt St Anne but decided the drive was a little too far. It would have been so weird though if we had all ended up at the same place in Quebec! We got a little lost getting to our hostel, Mike was supposed to incorporate two sets of directions and didn't, which was no big deal we just had to ask for some directions and head back the opposite direction about 40 minutes. We stopped at a grocery store about 30 minutes from our hostel and grabbed some food, simultaneously losing the directions to the hostel which meant we had to call to find out where to turn. It turns out we were only about 5 minutes from the hostel at that point.

The hostel was very nice, sort of like a cottage in the middle of nowhere. We were very secluded up on top of a hill surrounded by trees covered in snow and there were few people staying in the hostel which allowed us to relax (and disturb the peace). We originally were going to have another person with us, Chuck, but he wasn't at the house when we picked him up and after waiting close to an hour we left without him. Since he wasn't there we were able to fit in one room as opposed to the three in one room and two in the other we had been planning on. That night we had a nice dinner, played some games, drank some beers, did some other stuff, and went to bed around 3am. I must admit I got no sleep however and was a bit tired in the morning.

The next morning, our first day of skiing, we woke up at what felt like the crack of dawn and got some breakfast. I ate nothing, I felt like I'd been rolled over by a bulldozer and I had a slight fever. Regardless we loaded in the car and headed to Orford for our first day of skiing. I was fine while skiing, but didn't eat anything at lunch. The hills were icy, but nice, it would have been better if there was more powder as both Mike and I had issues getting our edges in. The other two were on snowboards and also had similar problems. That night we had been planning on going into some town somewhere to find the hockey game. But Mike wouldn't wake up, and I felt like crap still so we stayed in the hostel and did whatever.

The next morning we checked out, loaded the car and went to Sutton for our last day of skiing. Originally we were planning on skiing two full days and one half day, but the half day was too expensive and the conditions were not fabulous. Sutton was gorgeous with runs through the trees that went on for miles. Unfortunately there was still a lot of ice, but it otherwise the skiing would have been perfect. After our first run, Mike and I went off on our own and the two snowboarders went off. We met up for lunch and at the end of the day, but it just made more sense for us to be separate. There isn't much to say, the only times I felt were when I couldn't catch on the ice and that only happened a couple of times, oh and the time that Yoav ran into me coming off the chair lift. I've been skiing since I was two years old so I tend to stay upright the majority of the time.

After the day had ended we piled back in the car, both Mike and I changed in the front seats but Yoav and Maarten stayed in their ski clothes and we started the drive back home. It was around 4:30 when we got on the road so it was already getting quite dark outside and it was going to be a long night. The weather was alright until we hit the other side of Montreal, then the snow started. We drove in a blizzard for a long ways and about one hour outside of Kingston it changed to rain. I had gotten out of the drivers seat and Mike had gotten in about an hour before that point, the roads were not visible, nor were the cars in front or the ditches to the sides. My eyes were burning from concentrating so hard on the little bit of light you could see coming from the taillights of the car in front. After Kingston (where we stopped for some dinner) Mike kept driving for a little while longer. After not too long we hit thick fog which prevented us from seeing the roads once more and made driving annoyingly hard. About an hour and a half from Toronto I took over once more, and before I had even gotten back on the highway, Mike was asleep so it was a good thing I had taken over. Eventually we got to our destination; I dropped Yoav and Mike off in Toronto, and then dropped Maarten off in Mississauga. I talked to Mike on the phone from Mississauga to Oakville so I wouldn't fall asleep and when I finally made it home collapsed into bed.

It was a good time and I'm glad I went but I still do feel guilty about missing my classes. Oh well.

Happy Monday everyone!

Labels: Canadiana, Friends, Mike, Pictures

Last night was fantastic. I can't remember the last time I had so much fun!! We spent the night in Toronto at the Peter Katz concert. We danced... and drank... and danced and had a fantastic time!! After a chilly half walk back to Tom's place we finally got a vacant cab which was nice on the frozen fingers (and wallet since it was 1/2 the cost!) I'll post the pictures, there aren't many though, and a video which is short lol.
(Check out the photos: HERE)

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Hope you all had a great new years! I'm heading out tomorrow morning for a few days of skiing before I go back to school. YAY!