I received a letter in the mail yesterday postmarked from Australia. I flipped the envelope over expecting to see Lija's familiar address but instead saw Rob's scrawled across the back. My heart jumped a beat and it was all I could to not to tear open the envelope. I was actually kind of worried because the writing on the front was undeniable female. The letter was from his girlfriend. Upon reading the first line my heart sunk to my toes and my stomach rose into my throat. It wasn't a bad letter, in fact it was disgustingly nice. I'm sure she is a lovely person but I don't want to like her. I want to hate her. I want her to be horrible. None of these things are nice because I also want Rob to be happy and she must (I assume) make him happy. I would rather it be me who made him happy but things don't always work out that way. There are many miles between us and many unanswered questions. It was odd that I felt so wrecked after reading her one page note inviting me to Australia for a birthday party but I did. Today I fired off an e-mail nicely declining and stating the obvious "It's Australia and I'll be in school". It was a nice gesture but it just isn't possible. Is it okay that I kind of love, err, like him? I hope so.

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I am going away for the next week to a friend's cottage. We're going to sit on the dock every single day and I can't wait. Have a great week everyone.

Labels: Australia

I had that feeling in the pit of my stomach that foreshadows news of your life changing forever -and not for the better. It's almost as if the rest of your body ceases to function and your stomach wants to escape. Your eyes cloud over and the voices around you get much slower. You can feel the tears ready to spring forth from your eyes and the hairs on your arms and the back of your neck stands on end in anticipation of impending sorrow. It was the feeling that things are not right and that this cannot be happening. It's a complete loss of control, not only of the situation but of yourself. I had that feeling and it was horrible. A strong thud was echoing in my head as my heart sped up and when I turned to look into his eyes I could see the world passing before my gaze ever so slowly. My words sounded like I was speaking in slow motion, "What happened?" I could feel my voice quiver and I was glad to be sitting down because I knew that had I been standing my legs would have buckled out from under me. I was acutely aware of Brenda's presence in the back seat and that we were sitting in the parking lot of my school but none of that was dialed into my consciousness.

I knew something was wrong when I saw my Dad's car pull into the parking lot after school. Every morning he would drop me off but it was always my Mom who would pick me up at the end of the day. She would drive Brenda home since it was on the way and I knew that my Dad didn't have that kind of patience. As he came to a stop in front of the curb I told Brenda sheepishly that she would have to fold her long legs into the very tiny back seat because there was no way I could crawl in wearing a skirt. My heart was already pounding out of worry but I tried to tell myself that it was obviously nothing, if something was wrong I would have been called out of class. Before we even pulled away from the curb I casually asked my Dad where Mom was, I was expecting him to say that she had to go to the bank for the office or was delivering a package. These were the comforting thoughts running through my head, they made be believe that everything was actually fine and I was overreacting.

"She has been in an accident." I heard the words tumble from his lips but it felt like minutes instead of seconds before my brain could process exactly what he was saying. I turned to him, my head and words moving slowly, I wanted to get my words out but didn't trust my mouth to speak. I can remember with clarity the effort it took to ask, it was almost painful because the answer could be shattering.

"Is she, okay?" I said the words slowly as if they were each their own sentence. Brenda told me later that she could see the fear and pain on my face and could hear it in my words. We hadn't even left the parking lot yet so it must have only been seconds but it felt like forever, from the beginning to the end.

"She's fine, she's home from the hospital and at home sleeping." He barely seemed fazed as he turned his flicker on and sped out of the parking lot but in those seconds I had gone through emotional turmoil and all I wanted was to be home with my Mom. To be able to physically see that she was okay and that he wasn't lying to me. That she was alive and safe. It was almost like I had tunnel vision for the rest of the drive home. I looked out the window without seeing the trees. I let Brenda out of the backseat and said good bye without coming back to reality and I walked up to my front door with fear. As I entered my house I saw her standing there, she looked a little sore but she was there and I could touch her and I could see that everything was okay.

All in all the situation turned out much better than would have been expected. She was driving along going 50 or 60 km/h and a woman ran a stop sign from one of the side streets. She admitted to not even seeing the stop sign and never touching her brakes and was probably going about 50 or 60k km/h as well. Had my Mom had her own stop sign she would have avoided the situation, seen the lady coming and watched her run the stop sign while shaking her head, but instead she saw the woman coming and couldn't stop or get out of the way in time. She was sent spinning across the (thankfully empty) lanes up over a curb and along the shoulder then back down. The woman hit her car mostly on the drivers side door but also a little bit on the passengers side door and the car was written off. My Mom said that once she saw the woman and realized that she couldn't stop or get out of the way she braced herself and once hit slammed on the brakes to stop the spin while turning the wheel against the movement. She was lucky. Her car had air bags in the best possible places and superior intelligence which saved her life. It knew which air bags to deploy so that her head did not smash into the side window. Her front airbag did not go off because she was never propelled forward but all of her side airbags did on the driver's side only.

She walked away from the accident relatively unscathed, she had whiplash and needed to see a physiotherapist for months to correct her back, but she was okay. Upon arriving at the scene one member of the emergency team remarked on the state of the car and asked where the body had landed. When another person pointed to my Mom who was calling my Dad on her cell phone they were shocked to see that not only was she okay but she was alive. The airbags on the car that hit my Mom did not go off, the woman suffered from a concussion and hopefully a suspended licence.

The feeling that I felt on that day never left me. I still remember every long second of that afternoon and if I could have it my way I would never feel that way again. It was despair. Some people say that they realize how much more they love someone when faced with the idea of losing them. While I don't doubt this revelation I think that I already knew how much of my life centered around my Mother but didn't realize that even the thought of losing her would turn me into an emotional mess. They say that you should tell someone you love them because you never know what could happen, and it's true.

Labels: Family, Past

My Father and I have a less than desirable relationship. Recently it has gotten far worse but to avoid the bad karma associated with ranting about family I shall leave these comments to a minimum. A couple of weekends ago he participated in a very big race, he had been training for this event for the past year and it seemed to mean a lot to him. It was because I am petty and selfish and did not want to feign happiness for him that I failed to mention this race or the result. However, his accomplishment was grand and it is something that should be mentioned. My Father will be representing Team Canada in the ITU Triathlon World Championships in Lausanne, Switzerland at the end of this summer. It is not something that everyone could have accomplished and the fact that my Father is 55 years old is that much more impressive. I wish that I could be more impressed.

My Father has been competing in Triathlons and Ironmans for my entire life, but still, this qualification in itself is cause for celebration. I find myself sitting on the side lines using my entire being to not care because I refuse (or at least want to) to be happy for him. It's a tricky slope, in the end I'm proud of his accomplishments but I know what he lost in getting himself there.

In September I will check the website and maybe even send a good luck/congratulations e-mail because competing for Team Canada is fantastic.

Labels: Family, Father

The weekend looms in the so near future that I can smell the thick warm air outside. I am able to look longingly at the sun as it cascades into the open area outside my office window. I see the birds flying and elderly people walking their small dogs. I do not remember appreciating the warm weather as much as I currently do. I know that other summers where the weather was just as hot I would leave my car windows rolled up and my air conditioning blasting. I think that this hike in gas prices has afforded me the ability to enjoy the wind as it blows through my hair and cools my warm skin. My A/C remains in the off position and I unless it's a rainy day my windows are down. I enjoy stepping outside and putting my sunglasses on my face, flipping them onto my head when I step inside. I like that my arms have a golden colouring to them even though I sit inside for 8 hours a day and my weekends are not spent sitting on a lawn chair by the pool. I enjoy the winter, I love the fall but this summer I'm enjoying the warmth of the summer sun on my body. While I can no longer remember the freedom that summer brought me as a small child I can still enjoy the sunshine.

Have a great weekend, all. Check in on Jason and Kylie, they are doing great!

Labels: Seasons

Lately I have been feeling like I was run over by a steam roller. I don't know what's wrong with me, if anything but I can't seem to shake this feeling of extreme lethargy. My body feels heavy, just the idea of getting up and walking is a chore and even the motion of moving my hand to answer the phone is tiresome. I can't smile, I'm just too tired. It's hard to be happy and friendly and nice.

I don't know how things are getting accomplished here at work but they are in leaps and bounds. I don't know how I manage to go to the gym every night when just walking up the stairs exhausts me but I do.

I can't type any more today... I hope that I'm feeling better tomorrow.

Labels: Exhaustion

I was raised knowing that you should treat adults with respect. Respect your elders. It has always been ingrained in my head and I have always, to the best of my ability, done so. However, as I have gotten older I have come to the realization that sometimes an adult does not deserve your respect. Respect is something that goes both ways and if I am not treated with respect I have a very hard time doing so in return. This was something that I had a big problem with when I played for one of my hockey teams. The coach -and assistant coach for that matter- did not speak to us as if we garnered even the smallest amount of respect. Against how I had been raised I refused to give these men my respect, in fact, I told them. I told them that they didn't have the right to speak to us 'that' way, that they were not allowed to treat us like children. While I may have been among the oldest on the team, I knew that regardless of the fact that they were adults, we did not deserve to be treated that way. I did not return to that team and since then both coaches have been thrown out of the league. After that incident I felt horrible, I felt as if I had abandoned who I was and should apologize at once. However, I did nothing wrong. I still stick to that even though someone else may disagree. I think in every person's life they reach a point where they learn that you should respect everyone in your life (old and young) but that you should demand respect in return. If they do not respect you then you have a choice to make and in most instances, at least for myself, that choice is to not respect them. It sounds almost petty, but respect is something that you must earn from others.

I have been tossing this around in my head for a while now. I brought the subject up with a friend and he said that we are adults now, we no longer have to respect our elders. I don't think that this is right. We should respect everyone however, we are now able to understand what respect is and why a person should be respected.

Maybe I'm off-base on this. Do you think that you should give everyone your respect when they are your senior or do you believe that once you reach a certain age of understanding respect should be mutual or not at all? While growing up answers so many of life's questions it also leaves the door wide open on others.

Labels: Values

I was planning on posting about my long weekend, I had a great time by the way, but I still have not received the majority of the pictures (taken on Sarah's camera) and therefore have no motivation to write. However, it will have been a week since I got back if I don't do this now so I suppose I should at least jot down something.

The drive down was a lot of fun, I love Tom and Dave and spending time with them is always good. Before we could even get on the road we had to go to a hardware store for duct tape so Tom could tape his bumper back on, then we had the 'great' idea of decorating the hood of the car with a lightning bolt... so we had to do that before leaving. Eventually we were on the road and reached Ottawa at around 1:30am, it was fun though. We stopped at Subway while driving and Dave had been making a duct tape hat for Tom to wear and he had to wear it the entire time we were out of the car (which he did). I spent the weekend with Sarah and her friends and Tom was with Dave and his friends.

So they dropped me off at Sarah's place on Friday night and I was thrown into "it". Just picture a bunch of stereotypical frat boys and sorority girls. I had my butt slapped more times than I can count, and the boys dressed up in girls clothing. They were very energetic, but I had a good time.

On Saturday (CANADA DAY!) we woke up early after only a couple hours of sleep and went to breakfast, Tom and Dave joined us. Then we split up and I went with Sarah looking at possible places for her to rent in the fall. We left for the bar at around 1:00 and got there at around 2:00 where we promptly began drinking. We drank for hours and hours. I saw people I knew at the bar (the Cabin) which was kind of funny. I ran into Mackie, who is a friend of the family since forever. He's a year older than me so we grew up together, I haven't seen him since starting university. At the bar we also sang a rousing rendition of Oh Canada, it was really fun!! I can't remember the last time I was somewhere that EVERYONE was singing the National Anthem and it actually sounded good -you could make out the words. We drank a lot before leaving the bar at 9:30. While walking back to Sarah's place we ran into Tom and Dave. Dave does not remember this because apparently he was also drunk, I do though. I remember jumping and yelling and hugging them then they went on their way and I went off with the frat boys.. *sigh* I kind of wish at that point I'd just gone off with Tom and Dave, but all of my stuff was at Sarah's and she promised we'd meet up with them for fireworks. We didn't. I did go and see the fireworks however, and they were awesome.

Sunday we went to breakfast again (much later this time) and then I decided to go home a day early with Tom instead of with Sarah. She took me over to Dave's friend's place with my stuff and I hung out with them the rest of the day. His friends were so NORMAL. Not in a bad way but in a, "these are MY kind of people" way. I liked them, they were really nice. We played Frisbee and then walked downtown for dinner before heading back and getting our stuff together. The drive home was uneventful and long... oh so long. It was a good weekend but exhausting.

I actually discussed this already on Shirley's blog where I am guest writing while she is in Asia. I have pasted that below but you should check out Shirley's blog, she will have three other guest bloggers while she is gone and when she returns there will be many pictures and stories to share, I just KNOW it!

Ottawa Bound for Canada Day!

This weekend I went to Ottawa to celebrate Canada Day. I had never been to Ottawa before and when offered the opportunity to drive down with some friends I thought "what better a time to see the city -our National Capital!!" The drive down was ridiculously long (feeling) but we had only two 'slow-downs' which was pretty good for after work on a Friday of the long weekend. These two incidents happened for good reason. The first was because an old VW Van was engulfed in flames on the side of the 401, we could see the smoke but by the time we got up next to the van (and the four very upset looking 'owners') it had been put out and there stood the 'skeleton'. The second was due to llamas. Yup. Everyone was slowing down to look at them, we too were guilty, but that produced fodder and laughter for the rest of the weekend.

Ottawa isn't exactly what I had imagined. I don't really know what I expected. It is a University town mixed with some big city. There are more homeless people than I could have ever imagined and am somewhat ashamed that in our Nations Capital the situation cannot be improved. One thing that I did find nice-and granted I was very close to campus- were the number of open grassy areas. Also, there were many old buildings and churches and government offices that caused me to awe in appreciation for the amount of work that goes into running this fine country.

Canada Day is definitely something that everyone should celebrate in Ottawa at least once. There were more people walking around dressed in red and white and carrying Canadian memorabilia than I could count. People were everywhere, shopping in the market and wandering the streets, mostly all clutching small flags and smiling under tea warm summer sun. While at the bar, because of course, that was what I did on Canada Day, we all sang Oh Canada and it was amazing. In fact, it was one of the highlights of my weekend. I do not remember the last time I was somewhere that everyone sang our National Anthem and did so with a smile on their face. It hasn't been since grade 4 when it was no longer cool to sing in class that I have heard more than a select few sing, and while I have attended many sporting events there are always those who stand silent -me being one of them. But on that patio, everyone stood, removed their hats and sang with respect. People on the streets joined in and we celebrated our country. Canada is an amazing place to live and I'm proud to say that I am Canadian.

I hope everyone had a great Canada Day

Labels: Canadiana, Friends, Pictures, Recaps, Weekend