Today is my Grandpa's 87th birthday and I didn't go to visit him in the hospital.

I reasoned with myself that he doesn't know what's happening and wouldn't miss me, but no matter how many times I tell him this, I feel bad. I'm selfish. I can't really express to people how it feels seeing him, being around him. My Grandpa isn't my Grandpa. He looks like him but that is all. I understand that it's not him speaking but when all he does is swear at you and try and hit you or bite you it's hard to accept. A part of me wishes that I could just forget that he is in there, walk away from the situation. A bigger part of me wishes that he was dead. There are two kinds of death, the death that's hard to accept and the death that's a blessing. This isn't who he was and if he knew what he had become he wouldn't want to be alive. This isn't living. My Grandpa signed a DNR years ago, when he was still my Grandpa, unfortunately, he hasn't needed to be resuscitated. I feel bad that I feel this way. I feel bad that he is living through this.

Today my friend's Grandfather died. I want to be there for him. I want to give him words of sympathy but I know his grandfather was suffering even if for a short period of time. I used to believe so much that I no longer do. I don't think I understood just how bad it could be. Having my Grandma die so suddenly was hard, but watching my Grandpa deteriorate for almost two years has, at times been excrutiating.

Every time I go skydiving or talk about backpacking around a new country people tell me of the dangers as if I should care. I'd rather live my life now because nobody knows the future.

Labels: Death, Family

This weekend I took a little 'vacation' and headed up North (through traffic, of course) to Best Buy. I spent so much time there this weekend you would think that I actually enjoyed myself! I didn't. All along I have been finding small problems with my laptop, I was convincing myself that everything was okay and that maybe I just had too many programs running for full functionality. I was wrong. I knew that I was wrong. A brand new laptop should perform at max all the time. Anyways, on Saturday I decided that I would take the time to install some programs (ex. my digital camera) so I was sitting on the couch with CDs (in cases) sprawled across the couch and I stick in the desired CD and Nothing. Happens. I go into My Computer and double click the CD and Nothing. Happens. I go, hm... restart, try again. Nothing. Try another CD and well, you get the idea, Nothing. Happens. I start to panic. This is my BABY we are talking about. I call Best Buy and talk in a non-sensical panicked voice explaining the situation and that, hello, it's only 13 days old! I transferred all of the documents that were new to my laptop back onto my desktop and drove to Best Buy while breaking out in a cold sweat. Long story short, I was at Best Buy for almost 4 hours and they reformatted my computer, things seem okay now. The Geek Squad guy said that my operating system was wrong, and I said "is it serious?" I am trying to relax now, everything is ooook. Yup...

On Sunday my parents forced me into the car so that I could accompany them to Yorkdale Mall. We had one stop, the ONLY reason for going. The Apple Store. I was used for my student card and therefore discount + free iPod (which I did NOT get, btw). The man at the store, even once knowing that it was 'my' computer spoke ONLY to my Dad. I would pipe in a comment every once in a while about this or that (technological sounding of course) and he would IGNORE ME! I was pissed off. I mean, for all HE knew it was MY computer so I'M the one that he should be explaining everything to! If it really HAD been my computer I wouldn't have bought it from him. I'm just saying. The only GOOD part about this agonizing trip to Yorkdale (which takes forever to get to regardless of the time of day because there is perpetual traffic) was that we went to Second Cup as we were leaving the mall and I caffeinated.

On the way back from Yorkdale I casually asked to my Mom to remind me that I wanted to go to Best Buy in the afternoon. My Dad asked why and I explained that I wanted to pick up some new headphones and an FM transmitter for my car/MP3 player and that the day before I had been too stressed and upset to buy the stuff (or even remember). Surprisingly, he stopped at Best Buy and I walked out the door with $233.00 worth of products. They were all necessary/on sale. I got my headphones which are beautiful. I also picked up the transmitter which is great because I'm often in the car and the radio is playing crap but I have no CDs and would really RATHER listen to my MP3 player (but I feel as if driving with headphones isn't a safe idea). Then I happened to notice that they had their Linksys Wireless-G Broadband Router was on sale and since ours at school seems to be broken I figured I'd pick up the router to see if that was indeed the problem. I figured, if not, then I'll just return the product (although, I REALLY hate doing returns). Finally, Norton Anti-Virus, which I really will need for my new laptop was on sale! Now, I have Norton at home but have been told that it may only be good for one computer (which it has already been installed on) but if that's wrong then I will return the new one (gah). While two of these items were on sale, they are mail in rebates so I have yet to SEE the savings. My Dad also picked up DVD -Rs which are super big and exciting! While at Best Buy he found a mouse that he wanted for his new laptop with the purchase of a laptop (mine) there was a $30 savings. Since I don't carry around my receipt like a crazed lunatic I was told that I would be returning to Best Buy later that day to purchase said mouse. I obliged. However, upon returning to the store a couple of hours later (after picking up my passport photo -ugh), the mouse was sold out. I still managed to walk away with two seasons of Friends (only $19.99!!) and season 5 of ER (*sigh*). I spent a lot.

This weekend I also spent some time with my Mom, since they will be away for two whole weeks and I won't even see them when they return (since I'll be away at school) for who knows how long. I also had my passport photo taken and picked up random mall things. I spent Friday night bowling as it was Sean's last night in Oakville before moving away to school and Saturday night with Brenda since she was in town from Halifax (!!!). It was an okay weekend. I'll write more about Saturday night out with Brenda, and last night out with Brenda when I have the photos uploaded on my computer (still haven't installed that program...)

Labels: Computers, Family, Friends, Recaps

My post yesterday was pretty indicative of my mood. I was sad, I was mad, I was hopeless, I was everything that you don't want to be. I thought things would get better when I reached Waterloo and spent some time with my Little Sister and the rest of the kids and leaders. While my mood certainly improved I was still far from happy. I wanted last night to be perfect but it wasn't. My Little was rambunctious and inconsiderate and quite frankly, difficult. I know that is just who she is, that I need to accept that but sometimes I just need her to calm down. I actually enjoy spending my time with her, I have witness first hand her growth and maturity, but some days are worse than others. I probably didn't have enough patience for her yesterday since I was already down. I didn't snap at her but I also wasn't attentive enough. Looking back on it now, I feel as if she was trying to get my attention and maybe I wasn't giving it to her. I chased her around only once and praised her too little. I don't know if I will see her again, but I hope that I do.

I dropped some of my stuff off at my house yesterday and discovered that our wireless Internet doesn't work. I'm going to have to fix that, it's annoying and quite possibly expensive. I hope it's easy.

The drive home wasn't as calming as I would have liked. I thought about the Boy and began to worry if we wouldn't have a future together. I haven't discussed him but I think that I like him, I think. Think is a scary thing because one thought can change your life forever and it might not always be for the better. I am worried that our relationship is too far in the past and we cannot carry on in the future together without ruining that. I was supposed to see him sometime this week but it's already Thursday afternoon and we have no plans. The Boy is a mystery, even to me.

Brenda, one of my best friends from high school, flies in on Friday from Halifax. I haven't seen her since Christmas and we're going to do something. Even if we only have 5 minutes together it will be okay, we will be okay.

Labels: Big Sisters, Computers, Friends, Relationships

Today is a shitty day. I want to crawl under my desk right now and cry.

Labels: Stress

I hope so, because that's where I am RIGHT NOW! I got a new laptop, which I already mentioned last week but have yet to discuss. I haven't had a laptop since I was at Appleby and back then wireless just wasn't something that people or places had (especially not so accessible!). While I could have typed in bed I could not blog from bed which is exactly what I am currently doing! It's exciting. I could even blog from the bathroom. Or from Starbucks. Or while sitting by the pool sipping a ice cold glass of water and eating pineapple slices. Yum.

While I CAN blog in bed, right now I'm going to close the lid (since getting the laptop I have spent WAAAAY too much post-work time on the computer compared to my usual summer routine of almost none) and watch ER while lying in my super comfy bed! Yay!

Labels: Computers

Which it didn't. But that's okay because we never left the ground. Today was supposed to be jump 3 for Shirley and I and my brother's first jump but they (Skydive Burnaby) called to inform us that winds were high and they were on delay so we could reschedule or just hang out there for hours waiting to see if things would clear. We decided to just reschedule but it kind of sucks because I was excited and now, I am bored. Oh well, next time I suppose.

Labels: Pictures, Shirley, Skydiving

I had just turned eleven a few months before JonBenet Ramsey went missing; I had just reached that age where I was able to understand all of the horrible things happening in the world around me. I remember seeing JonBenet's face on the news and all over newspaper covers and magazines. I don't think I completely comprehended why someone would want to kidnap a child and why that same person would want to kill her. I was still naive even if I was becoming informed. Over the following years JonBenet's face appeared on covers every once in a while when a new suspect was found and inevitably found innocent, or at least not guilty. When the tabloids would scrawl across their pages that her parents had murdered her and that JonBenet had been a sexualized doll I felt sad and disappointed. The media has continually disrespected her.

Yesterday, upon hearing about John Mark Karr confessing to the murder to JonBenet I was confused. Finally, a killer has been found and justice will be had for her death, but, why now. It has been nearly ten years since her death, why has Karr come forward now? I"m know that I'm not the only one asking that question but I will be keeping a close eye on the news over the next few weeks and months to see how this case progresses. They say that he might be dillusional and may not have murdered JonBenet despite his confession, I hope that he did so that justice will be served.

Labels: In the News

This weekend I spent the weekend with my 'family'. It's funny how people who aren't related to you can become so close in a matter of months. It has been two full years since I first moved in with my current roommates and spending a weekend with them feels natural. I spent close to six grueling hours on the highway Friday night driving to Ottawa. I left during rush-hour and knew that the drive would not be quick and even though my body didn't feel like it, I arrived 30 minutes ahead of schedule. Christina was vegged on the couch when I arrived, we talked for a long time. I didn't think that we'd have so much to talk about but now that I think about it I realize we could have talked for many more hours. She is one of the people that I live with day in and day out for 8 months. We know when the other showers, when they go on a date, what their class schedule is like and besides the mundane we know the big stuff. We had to catch up on what work was like and how she liked living in Ottawa. Whether she would be brining back such and such and if I would be doing blank. We spent Saturday at the mall looking for a bar top and just strolling around. I ran into someone from my major working at Old Navy which was kind of strange. As we sat back in her Aunt's living room Christina made me tea and she painted my finger nails Oyster Pink. The time neared 5:00 and my tummy started to get excited butterflies. When I heard the car doors slam outside I ran to the door and Heather was standing waiting for us. We spent the rest of the night catching up, giggling, drinking and dancing. She brought with her three friends and we went to the Heart and Crown after making pizza (which was cold) and playing drinking games. At the bar we drank and danced and laughed and smiled. We took photos in triplicite because that's just what you do when you're drinking. We danced to the awful (my opinion) music and eventually poured ourselves into the taxi.
When we arrived back at Christina's house Christina, Heather and I layed on Christina's bed and ate All Dressed and Salt and Vinegar chips and made plans for the upcoming school year. When we woke up in the morning we puttered around and went for brunch, then walked up and down the streets of Ottawa looking in shop windows. When it was time for Heather to leave we said our good byes and reminded one another that Waterloo was only 4 weeks away (even though Heather lives in Guelph and is technically not our roommate anymore, she will be staying with us that weekend). Christina and I watched a movie and I said good bye. I got back on the road, unable to believe that the weekend was over and drove home. The weekend was great, it makes the wait for September even more unreal but somehow closer.

As I drove home I stopped in Markham to see Shirley who has been away for 7 (SEVEN!!) weeks five of which were spent in Asia. We had coffee (or well, kind of) and talked and laughed and my weekend was complete.




Plus, when I arrived home there was this waiting for me. :)

Labels: Pictures, Recaps, Roommates, Weekend

I swear, I meant to write this DAYS ago but work has been horrible and I haven't had time for lunch must less to post an entry. I'm still not caught up on all that I missed while away LAST week and the longer it takes me to read the harder it is getting. One of the secretaries is away this week and as a result things are insane! It's now 4:30 on Friday and I'm leaving the office at exactly 5:00 so that I can drive to Ottawa (through rush-hour no less) to spend the weekend with some of my glorious roommates and so this post will be quick! (PS. I just got the transponder so I'm going to SAIL to Ottawa on the 407!!)

The cottage was amazing. I don't just mean the time spent at the cottage either (which was also great). The actual cottage, the cabin amongst the forest, it was incredible. We aren't talking a shack that's for sure. It was huge and beautiful and it smelled like cedar which made me love it from the second I stepped into it's warm foyer. It had two floors (+ basement), seven bedrooms, a sauna, hot tub, pool table, ping pong table, full kitchen, living room, dining room, family room, sun porch, two bathrooms, mud room. It was a full house (and them some) with a big deck and huge property leading down to the dock where we sat daily in Muskoka chairs looking at the lake. Ironically, with all of these luxuries, the power went out on Wednesday night and we had no running water OR a way to keep our beers cold....

We drove down Sunday night. There was no traffic and we made good time. We unpacked all of our stuff (bags, food, beer..) and settled into our rooms then we all (four of us) sat down to play the game of Life. It was great, except I didn't win. I would have won, but Tom stole my salary! I went to college and was a DOCTOR and I was originally making the most money, $100,000.00 but then Tom stole it and I only made $70,000.00. Anyways, it is just a game. At bed time I collapsed into my gorgeous bed and discovered it was also deliciously comfortable.


The next three days were pretty routine. On Monday we drove into town (Dorset) for the groceries that we thought might spoil on the ride up and got a paper, some ice for our beer, then went back to the cottage and Tom made us pancakes (yum) and bacon (ick). We then sat by the lake and read our books/magazines/newspapers until we were too warm then we would jump in the water to cool off. We went out in the boat a couple of times and I got to help Dave empty the rain water from it while he drove around a high speeds. I also was able to help steer the boat (twice!) which was very exciting. We had our lunch at 4:30 and sat lazily around waiting for it to digest. Dave then went knee boarding and we watched from the boat as the sun beat down on us. We made dinner and watched a movie. I may or may not have fallen asleep on the floor.

On Tuesday we did all of the above HOWEVER (!!) in the morning Cassy and I drove to Bracebridge to pick up Emily! Also, Sean's girlfriend Alice spent the day and night with us. In addition to all of the above, Dave's neighbour invited us out on his boat and took us wake boarding for hours on end. We drank too much that day and night. We sat around playing "Never have I Ever" and learned almost nothing about Alice but told her too much about us. However, she redeemed this by sharing a little bit about Sean!

On Wednesday, Em had to leave us. First we played Monopoly, and I lost. It was alright though, really, because I'm okay with that... sort of. After Em and Alice had left we sat down by the lake (again, yes?) and read some more. Tom had a nap in the hammock and then we made smores. At this point we might have soaked sleeping Tom and then had a full out water fight. The power went out at around 6:00 because of the storm that rolled in rather quickly and it didn't come back on. We had to make our dinner on the BBQ, which was fine because they were pizzas. We sat by candle light playing Risk then read aloud from Cosmo and laid on the floor talking.

When we woke up on Thursday the power still wasn't back on. I suppose that we could live without the electricity. It wasn't that big of a deal because the sun was shining and we were mostly out at the lake, however, it also meant no running water. You see, most people would laugh, you don't need running water! But you do. Hello, flushing toilet anyone?! Also, I hadn't showered and had to have Cassy pour buckets of water over my head. I WOULD have washed my hair in the lake but my shampoo, while Herbal, was not environmentally friendly. When we went pee (which, believe it or not, was only once each!) we had to carry 3 (THREE!) buckets of water up from the lake and pour them in the back of the toilet so that it would flush.

We made our lunch (poutine -fries and gravy) on the BBQ using a pan and a pot and it tasted pretty great. Besides the not being able to pee the real problem with no running water was that we couldn't clean the cottage before leaving. We couldn't do the dishes or wash the laundry which meant we had to leave everything dirty. We actually "washed" the plates with hot tub water (aka. too lazy to carry up lake water) so that there wouldn't be food on them but left a note saying that they needed a real washing. A lot of food also spoiled so we threw out garbage bags of stuff from the fridge and freezer. Mostly Dave's family's stuff.


The trip was great. I think that the power outage was just a little something to help us remember our week (you know, because we had no ice to keep our beer cold, duh!)

It's 5:00... I'm outta here! Pictures: here

Labels: Canadiana, Friends, Pictures

I sometimes wish that he was physically abusive or that he was an alcoholic. With each of these two things there are excuses, there are reasons and there is acceptance. If he was abusive I would be able to show the scars that inflicted upon me. I would have a chance to fight back, to get justice. If he was an alcoholic I would have something to blame. "It's the alcohol, that's why he acts like that" I can hear myself saying over and over. Instead, I'm left with the idea that he just doesn't like us anymore. He no longer loves me, my brother, our family. It's a lot easier to believe that his distance is because he chose to distance himself that much.

When I was little I vividly remember lying on a cot in a Florida hotel room, my Mom was accompanying my Brother somewhere (probably a games room) and I was left alone in the room with my Dad. I was supposed to be sleeping but was pretending. I remember being terrified. I was afraid to be in the same room alone with my Father. There was no reason for this fear, he never abused us in any physical manner but we (my Brother and I) both knew that if Dad caught you being bad you would be in BIG trouble. I guess I was afraid that he was going to yell at me.

As I grew up I was a hesitant Daddy's girl. I did everything to impress him, so that he would be proud of me. I was on the cross country team, I did track & field, I played soccer and hockey. I got good grades in school and when I didn't I would cry. I tried to be perfect at everything because I didn't want him to be upset with me. It was fear that drove me. Fear that if I didn't act a certain way or do certain things he would stop being my Father, stop caring about me. I don't think that any child should ever feel this way. I think that children should know that their parents will love them no matter what.

I feel like I'm being selfish. People look at me and my life and think that I'm just overreacting. I've had people tell me that it isn't bad that things could be worse. I'm not doubting that they could be but that isn't a reason to undermine my feelings. True, I have all of the physical possessions that I need. I have always been fed, I have never worried about money. I have always been shown love. However, just because I have a nice car and my house has a pool doesn't mean that everything is perfect.

It's hard to explain and hard to show what things are like. I used to always pretend things were okay, but that was part of wanting to be perfect. Now, I can't pretend as easily because it has started to wear on who I am. It has turned me jaded and cynical. Ironically, it has also pushed me closer to my Mom who is an amazing person.

I don't know when it happened, when I realized that I had more feelings of hatred towards him than feelings of love, but it has been a while now and no matter how hard I try to change I know that the changing doesn't have to be done by me. I know that but I still wish that I could do something.

My week off was fantastic, carefree and relaxing. Now I'm back and within hours my body had tensed and I was back to playing defence. Avoiding being in the same room as him, leaving the house for hours on end just to avoid the hateful remarks and rude stares. I don't talk to him unless spoken to, and that happens so rarely I could count the times on one hand.

I don't want to sound ungrateful, as I said, I know that my life has seemed great. However, I also know that there is a hurt inside of me so big that I don't know what to do and I don't think that there is anything I can do. I have accepted the way he treats us. I have accepted that he doesn't seem to love us or want to be our Father.

Yesterday, he told me that he couldn't wait for me to go back to school and was glad that I'd be gone. At least we have one thing in common.




Disclosure: This post has been a long time coming but one that I haven't wanted to write. I believe in karma and am afraid to write badly about my family. I don't want something unforeseen and horrible to happen to Him because I wrote this post, but if it does you better believe it will be deleted into oblivion never to be discussed or mentioned again. I still hope nothing happens. Karma knows we sometimes just need to vent.

Labels: Family, Father